“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
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What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]