dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
You Might Also Like
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me