Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
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In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
then why did i get this email
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.