A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
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“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand