[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
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mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.