4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
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I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
I am also baked goods
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted