My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
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Boy never ceases to amaze me
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.