I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
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I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want