If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
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“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.