*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
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HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.