it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
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does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”