The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
You Might Also Like
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.