How it started How it’s going
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Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
is there nothing we can trust anymore
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.