I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
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I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.