Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
You Might Also Like
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.