Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
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If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Did I do this right
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.