Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
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Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”