Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
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[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.