Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
You Might Also Like
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.