When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
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[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha