me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
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nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
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Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….