Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
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Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.