“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
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I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
I’m having an out of money experience.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it