People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
You Might Also Like
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.