I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
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Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance