Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
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I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’