If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
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Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Well, this certainly took a turn
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away