If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
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nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
i can’t wait that long
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
who wants to go expliring