[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
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When you can’t find your friend Neil
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Me as a therapist: omg same
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
who will stop them
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”