My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
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If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Does this dress make me look cat?
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral