My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
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#NeverForget
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Cake!!
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes