I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
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Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?