Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
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I am having an out of money experience.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
that wasn’t the question
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait