“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
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we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Cat.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
podcasts
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.