When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
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“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.