I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
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amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.