The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
You Might Also Like
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
no one likes gloating
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Wait a minute
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
APOLOGISE NOW!!!