“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
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Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Stonehinge
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
How funny!
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes