I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
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Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
How your email finds me
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?