I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
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her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
are they though??