‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
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Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
#winning
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Chemical wingman
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!