me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
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I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.