Time for evil
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Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
this was the best i’ve ever seen
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
My favorite female superhero
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.