[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
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50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.