My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
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I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Still a very good boi….
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
he looks great for his age
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft