Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
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I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Nigella has gone too far this time.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half