I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
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[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
How to woo a woman
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.