*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
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So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.