hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
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[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked