difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
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But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”